One reason dating is hard is that to build a happy gay relationship, three things are required:
The first is chemistry, or attraction.
Chemistry is the feeling of wanting to be around someone, the ease or flow of spending time with that person. Feeling physical attraction is one part of having chemistry with someone.
“Level 1” of dating, if you like, is choosing partners based purely on chemistry, by who you feel instantly attracted to. But chemistry alone is not enough to sustain a long-term relationship.
The second is compatibility, a deeper sense of alignment as individuals.
Compatibility isn’t really felt but identified logically. It’s in things like having mutual interests, compatible personalities and (crucially) similar relationship goals. No amount of attraction or chemistry can sustain a relationship between two deeply incompatible people, or people who want different things (e.g. a long-term relationship/casual fun).
“Level 2” of dating is choosing partners you have chemistry and compatibility with.
The third is emotional maturity, or a readiness to be in a stable, happy relationship.
The sad truth about our dating pool is that many single gay men simply aren’t ready to build long-term connections. They haven’t developed the communication skills, the self-awareness or the empathy (yet) to build a strong connection with others.
Chemistry and compatibility are not enough if someone fundamentally isn’t ready to be with someone else (or to learn how).
“Level 3” of dating is looking out for this trifecta.
Learning to filter potential partners better is hard because our instinct is often to operate on Level 1, and just chase those we find attractive.
Learning to operate on Level 2 is hard because it means turning down people we feel attracted to, but we know we have no realistic future with.
Operating on Level 3 is even harder because it means turning down people we could build a great connection with, but who (sadly) aren’t ready yet. It means accepting we deserve a partner not a project.
In dating, it’s important to stay open-minded and not rule out people who could be a great fit for us.
But at the same time, it’s important to be able to identify these fundamental dealbreakers — a lack of chemistry, a lack of compatibility, a lack of emotional readiness — because any one of them will make building a happy gay relationship with someone difficult, if not impossible.
And yes, choosing partners based on all three of these criteria will narrow your options.
But it’ll narrow your options helpfully — an important goal in finding a happy gay relationship — so you can put your time and energy into connections that genuinely have potential.
In movies, it’s often said that half the success of a project is the casting. It’s true in your personal life as well.
About Ed
Ed is a writer, musician and certified relationship coach for gay and bi men.
He trained as a coach at the Academy of Creative Coaching on a program accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and is the author of the book Boys Who Like Boys.
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