Three Ways Gay Men Can Create a Better Dating Culture

Yesterday I posted a thread asking gay and bi men what we could do differently to create a better dating culture.

Three types of answer came up again and again:

1) Better communication

Many queer men struggle to communicate what they authentically think or feel with others. Part of this is probably that we’re men (who often learn to hide their feelings) and part of it is that we’re queer (so we’ve learned that it’s often not safe to be ourselves).

But clear and regular communication — about what we want, where we see a connection going (or not) — is central to building stronger connections.

Also: most people would rather be told no directly than ghosted.

2) Acceptance and respect

Acceptance in our community can feel quite conditional — that we’re only accepted or valued if someone thinks we’re attractive.

Of course we’re going to put more effort and intention into someone we want to get to know better vs. a stranger who isn’t for us, but we can also offer a basic level of respect to everyone in this community.

This is as simple as seeing someone’s value — and accepting them as they are — even if we know they’re not for us.

3) Leading with emotional connection, not just a sexual one

Sex is an important part of most gay relationships, but research shows that leading with a sexual connection then trying to build an emotional one usually doesn’t work.

In fact, one study found that only 15% of friends-with-benefits who wanted to become full romantic partners were able to.

So if you want an LTR, it’s usually better to build an emotional connection first and let the sexual desire grow out of that, not vice versa.

Of course, not everyone is looking for a long-term relationship. It’s OK to be happily single, and it’s OK to enjoy short-term or casual connections.

But if you are interested in building a lasting connection with someone, these are three simple things you can do to maximize your chances of finding that — or just to make our community a better place to date.

Building a better dating culture is always possible.

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