Why Many Gay Men Struggle to Believe Relationships Are Possible

One of the biggest reasons gay and bi men struggle to find happy long-term relationships is because we struggle to believe they’re possible.

Many of us don’t have clear models for long-lasting gay relationships. Many of us try to build long-term relationships but face so much rejection, hurt and drama from trying that we conclude they’re not an option for us.

Here’s why this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy:

We have to believe in what we want to get it

Long-term relationships require patience and compromise, but they also require faith.

Compromise without faith feels a lot like self-denial — letting go of what we want or think without purpose.

Compromise in the service of something bigger — like a strong and stable connection — is not self-denial but discipline.

It’s saying “I’m willing not to get every tiny thing I want all the time, because it allows me to get the big thing I want most.”

The thing is, a lot of queer men don’t struggle with compromise or sacrifice in other areas. Plenty of us are willing to make huge sacrifices to build athletic bodies, or get ahead in our careers, or build successful small businesses.

The reason? We have faith that the compromise and sacrifice will be worth it.

We have faith that the strict diet, the extra hours in the office, or the financial risk will pay off.

In our close relationships, many of us have been emotionally battered and beaten down so much we don’t believe the endpoint we want exists.

So why would we compromise or make sacrifices if we don’t believe they’ll be worth it?

Why wouldn’t we settle for the quick wins that are immediately in front of us — the things we know definitely do exist?

Relationships are hard, but not impossible

But I ask you to consider this:

What if long-term relationships are difficult, but they’re not impossible?

What if true connection is rare, but it’s not non-existent?

What if sacrifice and compromise with the wrong person isn’t worth it, but with the right person it always is?

What if finding what you want most requires you to have faith and accept that love is always a risk?

What if finding love means trusting that just because something isn’t immediately in front of you, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist?