One way gay and bi men respond to shame and feelings of inadequacy is by adopting unrealistically high standards for themselves and those around them.
Here’s What Having Unrealistically High Standards Can Look Like:
Devaluing themselves for not having a perfect gym-fit body the whole year round.
Expecting to find a partner they feel intensely physically attracted to at all times.
Being really hard on themselves for small mistakes, or working overtime to hide their perceived mistakes, out of fear it’s ammunition others could use against us.
Expecting others in their life to agree with them on every tiny detail, even though that level of congruence doesn’t exist.
Feeling a need to be “the best” at work, to outperform colleagues and others in our field.
Insisting on finding a partner with a “prestigious” career, because we could never settle for someone in a “normal” job.
Measuring our own and others’ worth primarily by numbers — salary, age, weight, follower count, genital size — and rarely things like character, integrity and values.
Measuring our own and others’ worth primarily by the tribes or cliques we belong to.
Do You Have Unrealistically High Standards?
It’s OK to strive for greatness and even excellence in our lives.
But many of us imprison ourselves — and each other — in the cage of our unrealistic and often unachievable expectations.
Do you have any ridiculously high standards you could make a bit more realistic — or just a bit kinder?
About Ed
Ed is a writer, musician and certified relationship coach for gay and bi men.
He trained as a coach at the Academy of Creative Coaching on a program accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and is the author of the book Boys Who Like Boys.
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