The first is chemistry, or attraction.

Chemistry is the feeling of wanting to be around someone, the ease or flow of spending time with that person. Feeling physical attraction is one part of having chemistry with someone.

“Level 1” of dating, if you like, is choosing partners based purely on chemistry, by who you feel instantly attracted to. But chemistry alone is not enough to sustain a long-term relationship.

The second is compatibility, a deeper sense of alignment as individuals.

Compatibility isn’t really felt but identified logically. It’s in things like having mutual interests, compatible personalities and (crucially) similar relationship goals. No amount of attraction or chemistry can sustain a relationship between two deeply incompatible people, or people who want different things (e.g. a long-term relationship/casual fun).

“Level 2” of dating is choosing partners you have chemistry and compatibility with.

The third is emotional maturity, or a readiness to be in a stable, happy relationship.

The sad truth about our dating pool is that many single gay men simply aren’t ready to build long-term connections. They haven’t developed the communication skills, the self-awareness or the empathy (yet) to build a strong connection with others.

Chemistry and compatibility are not enough if someone fundamentally isn’t ready to be with someone else (or to learn how).

“Level 3” of dating is looking out for this trifecta.

Learning to filter potential partners better is hard because our instinct is often to operate on Level 1, and just chase those we find attractive.

Learning to operate on Level 2 is hard because it means turning down people we feel attracted to, but we know we have no realistic future with.

Operating on Level 3 is even harder because it means turning down people we could build a great connection with, but who (sadly) aren’t ready yet. It means accepting we deserve a partner not a project.

In dating, it’s important to stay open-minded and not rule out people who could be a great fit for us.

But at the same time, it’s important to be able to identify these fundamental dealbreakers — a lack of chemistry, a lack of compatibility, a lack of emotional readiness — because any one of them will make building a happy gay relationship with someone difficult, if not impossible.

And yes, choosing partners based on all three of these criteria will narrow your options.

But it’ll narrow your options helpfully — an important goal in finding a happy gay relationship — so you can put your time and energy into connections that genuinely have potential.

In movies, it’s often said that half the success of a project is the casting. It’s true in your personal life as well.

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About Ed

Ed is a writer, musician and certified relationship coach for gay and bi men.

He trained as a coach at the Academy of Creative Coaching on a program accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and is the author of the book Boys Who Like Boys.

Follow Ed on Threads and Instagram, or find out more about working with Ed 1-to-1.

The post Three Things a Happy Gay Relationship Needs first appeared on Better Gay Dating.

And yet there is:

It’s called gay rejection sensitivity — or gay-related rejection sensitivity — and we really need to talk about it.

Here’s what you should know:

Gay Rejection Sensitivity Makes Us Feel Rejection More Strongly

Gay rejection sensitivity is the idea that LGBTQ+ people often feel rejection especially strongly.

It’s the idea that when you face the kind of regular rejection, big and small, that queer people still experience in society, you become sensitized to it.

That means that when you get rejected, you don’t just feel the rejection of that moment, you’re also experiencing a version of all the times you’ve ever felt rejected or dismissed.

This means that as queer men, rejection can really f*cking sting. And as a result, we find all kinds of ways of adapting to avoid it.

How Gay Rejection Sensitivity Affects Our Day-to-Day Lives

Here’s how gay rejection sensitivity can show up in our day-to-day behavior:

We avoid hitting on someone we find attractive in case they reject us.

We take the long route home to avoid walking past a group of straight men who might make us feel uncomfortable.

We drop a connection at the first sign he might not be interested because it feels safer to reject ourselves than have someone else do it to us directly.

We’re also constantly scanning our environment for signs of homophobia or rejection — something called hyper-vigilance — which is emotionally exhausting.

We’re extra uncomfortable rejecting others directly, in case they take it badly and it makes us feel bad.

We struggle to stand up for ourselves and set boundaries in our relationships, because doing so can lead to someone rejecting us.

In short, though most societies today are more accepting than they were 20 or 40 years ago, in a sense it doesn’t matter:

All the homophobia we have experienced — or even just perceived — stays with us. It creates a kind of trauma that affects many aspects of how we navigate life today.

And inevitably, this gay rejection sensitivity costs us:

It costs us the relationships that never start because we’re terrified to say “hi” to a stranger.

It costs us the relationships that end because we can’t handle much conflict without wanting to run away.

It costs us work opportunities because we’re afraid to go for them in case we get rejected.

It costs us happiness and peace because we’re afraid to set strong boundaries and say no to things that would make us uncomfortable.

How to Overcome Gay Rejection Sensitivity

But it’s not all bad news — there are ways you can mitigate the effects of rejection sensitivity:

1) Get better at noticing it and questioning it — rejection sensitivity means we can perceive rejection when it’s not there, or overestimate how painful it would be if we did get rejected.

By analyzing a situation more objectively, we can question whether the rejection was really as personal as it feels (usually it isn’t) and whether we’d truly be OK if we were rejected (usually we would).

2) Build a strong support network — having a few supportive and more-or-less unconditional relationships in our lives can make rejection from others seem far less significant.

So building strong connections with close friends, family or a professional coach or therapist can really help mitigate the effects of rejection when it inevitably occurs.

3) Get used to taking risks, even small ones — start feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

Experiencing rejection, processing the feelings it brings up, and realizing it wasn’t as bad as you expected is key to overcoming an oversized fear of rejection.

This doesn’t mean pushing yourself out of your comfort zone at every opportunity. Even “microdosing” rejection — say, just by smiling at someone you think is attractive to see if he responds — can help you get used to taking bigger risks.

4) Remember that rejection is just part of life — in dating, in friendships, at work, and rejection doesn’t have to define us.

We can’t be for everyone, just like everyone else won’t be for us.

Remembering that everyone goes through rejection — and that taking risks is a necessary part of living a fulfilling life — can help you make peace with rejection when it happens.

Plus, rejection is usually just the universe’s way of redirecting you towards something else.

Rejection Is an Inevitable Part of Life

So in summary:

If you’re LGBTQ+, there’s a good chance you feel rejection more deeply than you would if you were straight.

We can mitigate the effects of this through positive self-talk, a strong sense of community, and carefully exposing ourselves to risk.

Rejection is an inevitable part of life, and learning to face it, even when it stings, is essential to living a fuller life.

Anaïs Nin said, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

Sylvia Plath said, “I love my rejection slips. They show me I try.”

And I think about those words a lot.

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About Ed

Ed is a writer, musician and certified relationship coach for gay and bi men.

He trained as a coach at the Academy of Creative Coaching on a program accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and is the author of the book Boys Who Like Boys.

Follow Ed on Threads and Instagram, or find out more about working with Ed 1-to-1.

The post Gay Rejection Sensitivity and What You Need to Know About It first appeared on Better Gay Dating.

Three types of answer came up again and again:

1) Better communication

Many queer men struggle to communicate what they authentically think or feel with others. Part of this is probably that we’re men (who often learn to hide their feelings) and part of it is that we’re queer (so we’ve learned that it’s often not safe to be ourselves).

But clear and regular communication — about what we want, where we see a connection going (or not) — is central to building stronger connections.

Also: most people would rather be told no directly than ghosted.

2) Acceptance and respect

Acceptance in our community can feel quite conditional — that we’re only accepted or valued if someone thinks we’re attractive.

Of course we’re going to put more effort and intention into someone we want to get to know better vs. a stranger who isn’t for us, but we can also offer a basic level of respect to everyone in this community.

This is as simple as seeing someone’s value — and accepting them as they are — even if we know they’re not for us.

3) Leading with emotional connection, not just a sexual one

Sex is an important part of most gay relationships, but research shows that leading with a sexual connection then trying to build an emotional one usually doesn’t work.

In fact, one study found that only 15% of friends-with-benefits who wanted to become full romantic partners were able to.

So if you want an LTR, it’s usually better to build an emotional connection first and let the sexual desire grow out of that, not vice versa.

Of course, not everyone is looking for a long-term relationship. It’s OK to be happily single, and it’s OK to enjoy short-term or casual connections.

But if you are interested in building a lasting connection with someone, these are three simple things you can do to maximize your chances of finding that — or just to make our community a better place to date.

Building a better dating culture is always possible.

About Ed

Ed is a writer, musician and certified relationship coach for gay and bi men.

He trained as a coach at the Academy of Creative Coaching on a program accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and is the author of the book Boys Who Like Boys.

Find out more about working with Ed 1-to-1.

The post Three Ways Gay Men Can Create a Better Dating Culture first appeared on Better Gay Dating.

Luck is meeting your right-fit partner at the right time.

Luck is having access to the spaces or opportunities to meet great partners for you.

Luck is also who you are and who your ideal partner would be. For some people there are simply more of their “ideal partner” in the population.

The bad news is that we can’t control luck.

But the good news is that we can:

Find ways to stack the deck in our favor — we can become a high-quality partner, and find opportunities to get lucky.

Make sure we’re ready for when luck comes along — we can do the work to make sure we’re open and ready for love.

Learn to live our best lives — and learn to manage any frustration or disappointment we might be feeling — while we’re waiting for luck to strike.

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About Ed

Ed is a writer, musician and certified relationship coach for gay and bi men.

He trained as a coach at the Academy of Creative Coaching on a program accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and is the author of the book Boys Who Like Boys.

Follow Ed on Threads and Instagram, or find out more about working with Ed 1-to-1.

The post Yes, a Lot in Gay Dating Is Luck first appeared on Better Gay Dating.

Many of us don’t have clear models for long-lasting gay relationships. Many of us try to build long-term relationships but face so much rejection, hurt and drama from trying that we conclude they’re not an option for us.

Here’s why this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy:

We have to believe in what we want to get it

Long-term relationships require patience and compromise, but they also require faith.

Compromise without faith feels a lot like self-denial — letting go of what we want or think without purpose.

Compromise in the service of something bigger — like a strong and stable connection — is not self-denial but discipline.

It’s saying “I’m willing not to get every tiny thing I want all the time, because it allows me to get the big thing I want most.”

The thing is, a lot of queer men don’t struggle with compromise or sacrifice in other areas. Plenty of us are willing to make huge sacrifices to build athletic bodies, or get ahead in our careers, or build successful small businesses.

The reason? We have faith that the compromise and sacrifice will be worth it.

We have faith that the strict diet, the extra hours in the office, or the financial risk will pay off.

In our close relationships, many of us have been emotionally battered and beaten down so much we don’t believe the endpoint we want exists.

So why would we compromise or make sacrifices if we don’t believe they’ll be worth it?

Why wouldn’t we settle for the quick wins that are immediately in front of us — the things we know definitely do exist?

Relationships are hard, but not impossible

But I ask you to consider this:

What if long-term relationships are difficult, but they’re not impossible?

What if true connection is rare, but it’s not non-existent?

What if sacrifice and compromise with the wrong person isn’t worth it, but with the right person it always is?

What if finding what you want most requires you to have faith and accept that love is always a risk?

What if finding love means trusting that just because something isn’t immediately in front of you, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist?

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About Ed

Ed is a writer, musician and certified relationship coach for gay and bi men.

He trained as a coach at the Academy of Creative Coaching on a program accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and is the author of the book Boys Who Like Boys.

Follow Ed on Threads and Instagram, or find out more about working with Ed 1-to-1.

The post Why Many Gay Men Struggle to Believe Relationships Are Possible first appeared on Better Gay Dating.

Here’s What Having Unrealistically High Standards Can Look Like:

Devaluing themselves for not having a perfect gym-fit body the whole year round.

Expecting to find a partner they feel intensely physically attracted to at all times.

Being really hard on themselves for small mistakes, or working overtime to hide their perceived mistakes, out of fear it’s ammunition others could use against us.

Expecting others in their life to agree with them on every tiny detail, even though that level of congruence doesn’t exist.

Feeling a need to be “the best” at work, to outperform colleagues and others in our field.

Insisting on finding a partner with a “prestigious” career, because we could never settle for someone in a “normal” job.

Measuring our own and others’ worth primarily by numbers — salary, age, weight, follower count, genital size — and rarely things like character, integrity and values.

Measuring our own and others’ worth primarily by the tribes or cliques we belong to.

Do You Have Unrealistically High Standards?

It’s OK to strive for greatness and even excellence in our lives.

But many of us imprison ourselves — and each other — in the cage of our unrealistic and often unachievable expectations.

Do you have any ridiculously high standards you could make a bit more realistic — or just a bit kinder?

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About Ed

Ed is a writer, musician and certified relationship coach for gay and bi men.

He trained as a coach at the Academy of Creative Coaching on a program accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and is the author of the book Boys Who Like Boys.

Follow Ed on Threads and Instagram, or find out more about working with Ed 1-to-1.

The post Why Gay Men Set Themselves Ridiculously High Standards first appeared on Better Gay Dating.

The simple truth is, many of us aren’t emotionally ready for a healthy relationship at this point:

We have baggage from the closet, we don’t fully know ourselves, we don’t truly love ourselves, we don’t know how to handle or nurture the love we deeply want.

As a result, our early relationships can be messy, confusing and wounding. We often have to heal these wounds before we can love others fully.

I don’t say any of this to scare anyone, or make them feel broken.

I say this to tell you that if you’ve been there and an early relationship left you scarred or heartbroken, you’re not alone.

And I say this to tell you that if you’re going through this, or you once went through a breakup that was deeply emotionally wounding, you can heal.

A strong support network — of queer friends, of work with an experienced professional — can help a lot.

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About Ed

Ed is a writer, musician and certified relationship coach for gay and bi men.

He trained as a coach at the Academy of Creative Coaching on a program accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and is the author of the book Boys Who Like Boys.

Follow Ed on Threads and Instagram, or find out more about working with Ed 1-to-1.

The post Why Our First Gay Relationships Can Be So Emotionally Wounding first appeared on Better Gay Dating.

Let me explain:

The Real Issue is Often Underneath

One scenario I see at lot is that, for example, someone is having trouble making great connections on the apps.
“Everyone I match with is completely not my type, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

So our first topic of conversation is probably around what’s in their profile, how they’re sharing or “pitching” themselves to others.

Here’s a sped up version of what often happens next:

Me: “There’s not a lot of information about you on your profile. What else could you share about yourself?”

Him: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, if you share more about yourself, you help the right people for you see that you have plenty in common. You give them some conversation starters, things you can connect over that aren’t just photos.”

Him: “Urgh, why would I do that? I don’t want people judging me for my interests.”

Me: “Are you saying you’re worried about being judged or rejected online?”

Him: “Of course, I don’t want people thinking bad things about me.”

So basically we’ve started with the surface issue of “The apps aren’t working for me”…

…but uncovered the deeper issue of “It’s not that I don’t have anything about me that’s interesting, I’m just wary about sharing that online”

…because of the deepest issue of all: “I’m afraid of being rejected.”

At some level, he was afraid of sharing himself in the exact way he needs to to form the deeper connections with others he really wanted.

Queer People Often Don’t Realize How Much Their Internal Beliefs Are Impacting Them

Again, this is a summarized version of this story I pulled together from multiple real-life versions of it. But again, this kind of scenario is really common with queer men.

So much of how we act and operate in our lives comes from avoidance or shame or just the daily stresses of living as LGBTQ+ in a world not built for us.

And the saddest thing of all is that we often don’t connect the surface-level problem with the ultimate cause: homophobia, basically.

So actually, you could say that the deepest level of all is more like:

“I’m afraid of being rejected because living in a homophobic society, I’ve become sensitized to rejection and I learned to avoid it.”

(That’s an article for another time.)

And OK, it’s not as simple as saying you can blame every tiny inconvenience in your life on homophobia.

(Though please, don’t stop posting all the “My bus was 10 minutes late, that’s homophobic” memes you want to.)

But as countless professionals who work with LGBTQ+ people will tell you: often it’s not the issue that’s the real problem, it’s the issue beneath the issue.

And often, that deeper problem is connected to the adaptations we’ve had to make to navigate societal homophobia.

Professional Help Will Help You Examine and Adjust These Beliefs

So this isn’t me doing an Oprah and yelling “YOU need some coaching, and YOU need therapy, and YOU need a support group!”

Butttt… chances are, if you grew up queer in a society that’s still making it’s mind up about whether it’s cool with that or not, you learned to believe or do things that are not in your best interests.

In fact, I just had a big breakthrough this week working with my therapist, where basically I’d realized that some things that are limiting me growing my work as a coach are connected to a kind of “selective vulnerability” I’d learned.

Though I’m comfortable opening up about certain topics, being queer, I’d learned to filter myself about other ones as a way to avoid potential rejection or shame. And that was limiting an area of my life I hadn’t even connected it to.

The intricacies of coaching vs. therapy is another post for a different time.

But basically when the limiting issue is a belief or value (and not e.g. ADHD or depression), they’re both great ways of exploring what’s going on for you underneath what you think the issue is.

They’re both great ways of giving you the self-awareness to identify and resolve what’s holding you back, which changing your surface behavior alone often won’t do.

In short, probing a bit deeper into what we think and feel about ourselves is one of the most powerful ways we can process the queer baggage that we carry. It’s how we can live happier and more fulfilled lives.

I’ve seen this in my own life, I’ve seen it with the queer men I work with, and I’ve seen it in countless others who took the leap to work with a trained professional, do this work and ultimately live much better lives.

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About Ed

Ed is a writer, musician and certified relationship coach for gay and bi men.

He trained as a coach at the Academy of Creative Coaching on a program accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and is the author of the book Boys Who Like Boys.

Follow Ed on Threads and Instagram, or find out more about working with Ed 1-to-1.

The post Often in Gay Dating, It’s “The Issue Beneath the Issue” first appeared on Better Gay Dating.

Here’s how I rationalize this — and, crucially, what we can do about it:

Loneliness Is Part of the “Gay Experience”

For starters, being queer has always been an isolating experience.

Across the world, we’ve made a lot of progress on LGBTQ+ rights and acceptance, but most queer people still feel othered, or at least that our acceptance can’t be taken for granted.

What that means in practice is we’re constantly questioning when, where and how much we can be ourselves. This is emotionally exhausting, yes. But it’s also isolating: we feel emotionally distant from others when we can’t be authentic around them.

To avoid potential judgment or rejection, we get used to lying about our weekend plans to a straight co-worker, or just saying “no” when our barber asks us if we have a girlfriend. We do that for our safety and comfort, but it still takes a psychological toll. It still feels isolating.

So OK, we might not have the basic acceptance we’d like from mainstream society. But you’d think we’d at least be able to get it from each other, right?

Right!? (/sarcasm)

Gay Men Often Aren’t Great at Supporting Each Other

As you won’t need me to tell you: the gay community is often a really terrible place to find acceptance and support.

In short, a lot of us internalize all the isolation and invalidation we feel from mainstream society, then weaponize it against each other.

This is basically why gay men have a reputation for being cliquey, cutting and superficial:

We coalesce into tribes, make ourselves feel better by excluding people who don’t fit whatever narrow criteria we’ve decided make you acceptable, and become skilled at putting others down to mask our own insecurities.

And sure, not every gay man is like that. But male culture plays its part here too: whether it’s genetics, psychology or social conditioning, men are often more individualistic and less empathetic than women.

In short, we don’t value community or giving and receiving support as much as we really should.

The result is that most gay men don’t feel part of a community. Many gay men don’t have any gay friends at all, and they’ve been hurt by other gay men enough that they’ve given up trying to find them.

Other gay men find conditional acceptance in cliques based on having money, a hot body, or whatever. But these friendships are often isolating in their own way because everyone in them senses they’re being valued for what they (temporarily) have, not who they fundamentally are.

Rejecting a heteronormative standards but just replacing them with homonormative ones (abs, money, as much sex as possible) also feels isolating if you’re just chasing those things for others’ approval.

All that is to say, this has created a culture where gay men are emotionally guarded around each other and often actively suspicious of each other.

We might be physically nearby, as friends, partners, f*ckbuddies even, but as a group, we’re pretty terrible at genuinely opening up to each other, never mind relying on each other.

The Internet Has Made Our Loneliness Even Worse

And then, the sh*tty cherry on the cake — and why gay loneliness feel especially acute right now — is the internet.

It’s that social media and the apps promised easier connections, but they often just provide pseudo-connection that, in a lot of cases, makes us feel more depressed, anxious and isolated from each other.

Instagram and Tinder did not create superficial gay culture, but they definitely amplified it: what gets attention online is (more often than not) what you look like, not who you are.

So to get matches, followers, whatever, we’re incentivized to hit the gym or the botox clinic over a therapist’s couch or gay men’s support group. We’re rewarded in the short term for looking good, while the personal qualities we most need from each other right now — kindness, empathy and support — get ignored.

And this is my hunch about why our isolation seems to be peaking right now:

We’ve been perpetually online so long that we’re burnt out by it, we’re craving deeper and more authentic connections, but we don’t quite know where to find them yet.

And actually, that gets me to the potential solutions:

They’re not necessarily quick fixes, but together they can go a long way to helping us end the epidemic of loneliness we’re feeling right now.

How to Deal with Gay Loneliness

The first is to start prioritizing in-person connections more.

Actively try to see the friends you do have (queer or otherwise) in person more. Try to make your social life more in-person than via social media or apps. Make an effort to be in in-person queer spaces — events, book clubs, hiking clubs, whatever — more if you can.

I know this is often easier said than done, especially depending on where you live.

The second is to start prioritizing more fulfilling online experiences over the draining ones.

For example, I find having conversations on Threads much more fulfilling than on most of the apps these days, where people seem to be especially fed up. And if you can, join one of the growing number of online men’s groups or events designed to facilitate more authentic connections.

The third is to work on your side of the fence, hun. By which I mean: resolve the emotional baggage you’ve picked up by being gay in a world not build for you.

If you have the means, an empathetic coach, counsellor or therapist is the best solution here — they’ll help you become aware of your emotional patterns, overcome the ways you’re not helping yourself, and help you make choices that serve you better in future.

The fourth is that we just have to start showing up for each other better. We have to give other gay men the acceptance and community we really crave from other gay men.

We have to lead with acceptance and curiosity over judgment and avoidance. We have to lead with “Here’s an interesting person to get to know” over “Urgh, that bitch looks so boring and judgmental.”

We have to listen to each other better. Part of the problem is that men often aren’t good listeners — and we often jump in with advice before empathy.

What a lot of us want most is to feel heard and understood, not to have others solve our problems for us. We want to feel like the people we’re close to will support us while we solve our problems for ourselves.

The past decade might have felt like it belonged to gay men with abs, but the next decade belongs to gay men with empathy, generosity and a belief in true community.

I absolutely believe that.

We have the power to make replace gay loneliness with gay community and connection. And I hope we will.

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About Ed

Ed is a writer, musician and certified relationship coach for gay and bi men.

He trained as a coach at the Academy of Creative Coaching on a program accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and is the author of the book Boys Who Like Boys.

Follow Ed on Threads and Instagram, or find out more about working with Ed 1-to-1.

The post Gay Loneliness: Why We’re Lonely and How to Deal With It first appeared on Better Gay Dating.

I’m 37. Of my straight friends, I’d say 80% have settled into long-term relationships by now, most with mortgages, kids or both.

Of my gay friends, it’s the other way round — more like 80% are single, and maybe 20% are in long-term relationships.

And sure, lifetime monogamy is not the only way to live a happy and fulfilled life. Being single has its advantages. But many gay and queer men do long for long-term connections but consistently struggle to find them.

So why are so many gay men so f**king single?

There are lots of reasons, but as I explain in my book Boys Who Like Boys, most fall into three categories. Let’s talk about them.

Men often suck at relationships

I’m sorry, don’t shoot the messenger, but if you’ve ever had one bad experience too many and yelled “Urgh, men are trash!”, you weren’t entirely wrong.

Whether gender roles are a social construct or not (they are and aren’t), they exist. And generally speaking, men are socialized to compete and control. We often grow up learning to put our needs before others. Especially in Western cultures, we grow up learning we can solve our own problems, we should bottle up our emotions, and we don’t need to rely on anyone.

It’s easy to learn that to live any other way is not “manly,” and to be an unmanly man is somehow wrong.

Of course, many of us have a more subtle relationship with our masculinity than Bruce Wayne or Ghengis Khan. Queer men — who, by loving other men, are already breaking some traditional definitions of masculinity — don’t necessarily feel as boxed in by masculine norms as many straight men do. 

But most queer men still wrestle with these issues. And when lots of us learn that being “a man” means avoiding emotional vulnerability, seeing compromise and collaboration as weakness, or just thinking you can navigate life alone, that does impact gay dating and how we connect with each other.

Gay trauma stays with us

Gay men often throw the word “trauma” around like it’s going out of fashion, but to be clear:

Living as an LGBTQ+ person in a still homophobic society is traumatic.

In short, when you grow up in a society that’s still deciding whether it’s cool with queer people or not, you pick up a ton of emotional baggage that absolutely affects your daily life, including your close relationships.

Straight privilege is being able to spend your teen years building relationships with the kind of partners you want. Most queer people don’t get that. We have to fight an extended battle even just to figure out who we are. We learn from a very young age to filter and control how and when we are ourselves to avoid hatred, rejection and even physical harm. (That’s specifically what creates trauma.)

And sure, you might have been comfortably out for decades, but the harsh truth is that even once you’re out of the closet, the trauma of the closet partially stays with you:

Compared to straight men, queer men are way more sensitive to rejection, struggle to be assertive, and often still find it hard to know how they feel and what they want. (Years feeling like who you are and what you want is invalid or wrong will do that to you.)

As a relationship coach I see firsthand how that means breakups for gay men can be extra devastating emotionally, how gay men seriously struggle to communicate directly and openly, and how many of us stay in relationships that aren’t fulfilling our needs, often for years.

The internet is the worst

Last but not least, there’s the digital elephant in the room: the internet has completely changed the way we all connect with each other, and not always for the better.

In short, the internet has made it possible to connect with too many people. It’s called the Paradox of Choice: when given too many options, we spend way more time thinking and optimizing instead of just fucking choosing something. That is: more options is not necessarily better.

In practice, it means we’ll go on a date, it’s not perfect (because no one and no relationship is perfect) so we’re already back on the apps on the way home hoping that the next date will be “the one.”

We also treat people differently online that we ever would in real life. It’s much easier to be mean to someone when you’re talking through a screen. To most people, being blocked or ghosted without explanation is far more hurtful than being rejected by someone in a bar saying “It was nice to meet you, have a great night!” then walking away.

Add to that our general sensitivity to rejection as queer people, and spending even an afternoon on the apps can really hurt your mental health. It’s no wonder that at best, most of us have a love-hate relationship with even the more wholesome apps.

Yes, online dating has made it easier and safer for gay men — and all queer people — to connect with each other. But it’s also made dating more stressful and superficial, and made us feel more like throwaway commodities than people. So it’s no wonder many of us hate it.

So what, I should just give up on dating?

So no, gay dating is not easy.

But with the right tools and insights, gay dating does get much easier:

You can get past the baggage of being raised as men and the baggage of being queer in a society not built for us. You can make the internet work for you, not the other way round. And you can — wait for it — still find great ways to meet offline.

There are plenty of great men out there who have a healthy relationship with their masculinity and a good handle on their emotional baggage. There are plenty of great men out there who want what you want too — whether it’s something casual or longer-term.

The key is making sure you truly understand what you want — and that you’re emotionally ready to receive it. And the key is finding the right ways to put yourself out there to attract what you want.

Finding ways to get better at gay dating is the main focus of my book, Boys Who Like Boys. It’s also a big part of my one-to-one coaching work.

And I can tell you: whoever you are, wherever you’re from and whatever you want, what you want is out there. It isn’t always easy to find, but there are plenty of gay men who do build happy and fulfilling lives with happy and fulfilling relationships. 

Queer love is always possible. With the right tools and bit of right-time-right-place luck, you will find it. Plenty of gay men do every day.

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About Ed

Ed is a writer, musician and certified relationship coach for gay and bi men.

He trained as a coach at the Academy of Creative Coaching on a program accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and is the author of the book Boys Who Like Boys.

Follow Ed on Threads and Instagram, or find out more about working with Ed 1-to-1.

The post Why Gay Dating Is So Hard first appeared on Better Gay Dating.